Anyway, following the court case, (which won't be mentioned again, I have been contacted by Julia's lawyers following my last communication - is one of you lot putting these letters on the internet?) I fled the States to somewhere warm and safe. Then I was deported and ended up in England. Blackpool to be precise.

I needed to make money, see, and I heard on the grapevine (read an article on the BBC) that you get fed, watered and also get Fridays off if you give rides to children (or otherwise small people) on the beach.

Now, usually this applies only to Donkeys and I am, in fact, a LLaMa. This posed no problem to Thompson (my boss/handler/feeder) who was happy to negotiate and, having agreed to work on Fridays and to eat only locally available grass, I had myself a job.

It is worth noting that these rides take place on the beach, and therefore there was no locally available grass. Thompson masked this by responding "half an hour, same as the donkeys" whenever anyone asked what I had for lunch.

Anyway, as a special treat, I have decided to give you some suggestions from BOTH of the English leagues. Now the English Leagues need no real introduction to most football/FM fans, so I'm not going harp on about the history of the leagues here (started in 1992 according to most media outlets here) or the national team (did something good, once, at home, got a number of favourable refereeing decisions & haven't shut up about it since).

This is a great place to start in FM22 though because you have it all. Six levels, professional & semi-pro clubs, former top division clubs all over the shop at every level, clubs in Admin, clubs with millions to spend, superstar players - what more could you ask for?

Some suggestions, that's what.

Now. The lowest playable division in FM22 in England is the National League North/South.

This is a (typically) semi-pro league split into two based on geographical proximity. There are 22 teams in each division and 2 from each league will be promoted to the National League - the champions & the play off winners.

Two clubs from each league will be relegated in the first season, however from 22/23, the leagues are both expanding to 24 teams which means four will go down.

This means that picking a struggling club might see a couple of years of relegation battle before you find your feet!

Old Llama Suggestion:

Club: Bradford Park Avenue

City: Bradford

Media Prediction: Dead Last

Board Expectations: Fight Bravely Against Relegation

Why Them?: There are LOADS of former football league clubs knocking about at this level, but Bradford (Park Avenue) are probably further away than any of the others from getting that status back.

It's a sad tale, that of BPA. The football club, I mean, not the plastic which has been banned from plastic drinking bottles. I don't want any confusion, so will just use their full name. One that all of us, as we get older, can no doubt relate to.

For Bradford (Park Avenue) have been surpassed and demoted into near obsolescence by a sexier, sleeker, richer rival. With a bigger stadium. Once upon a time, Bradford (Park Avenue) were THE club in Bradford. In fact, they were just known as Bradford.

They had many battles with Bradford City in the football league over the years and, to differentiate between the two, Bradford put (Park Avenue) after their name because that's where they played. Having been a football league club for over 60 years, they were relegated in 1970 and have never been back.

Now in the 6th tier, they got away with it where York got done over in the 19/20 season when it was decided there would be no relegation from the National League North/South. Park Avenue were bottom of the league and had averaged just 0.6 points per game. Tipped to go down this season, and with an ageing squad, avoiding relegation would be a good season.

Finishing above divisional rivals Guisely and Farsley is unlikely, but not as unlikely as one day finishing above Bradford City, currently two divisions above you and tipped for promotion. And long term, bettering the club's record high finish of 9th in the top division is a pipe dream - good luck with that.

Things to do when you're inevitably sacked: Go to Saltaire Village. It's a World Heritage site, there's loads of history there and you can do things like go on a boat, go on a tram and even travel by just walking about if you fancy it.

There is a building there called Victoria Hall which houses "Yorkshire's finest Wurlizter cinema organ" and apparently if you call in, you can "see if you can catch the Wurlitzer in action & you might even see the console rise up to the stage on it's lift" which sounds about as exciting as taking that 600 mile round trip from Blyth to Gloucester whilst seated in between former England & Newcastle Captain & current Liverpool midfielder/full back.

Which in turn is more entertaining than finishing bottom of the National League North, like you probably have with Bradford (Park Avenue).

Club: Gateshead

City: Gateshead

Media Prediction: 11th from 22

Board Expectations: Playoffs

Why Them?: Imagine a life, staring into the middle distance at somewhere infinately bigger and better. Imagine all of your friends and neighbours ignoring you, and your achievements, and hanging out every Saturday with someone much more glamourous and richer. No, not the life of the Moon, or Danni Minogue, but that of Gateshead football club.

I mean, it's always been difficult for them being just a stones throw away, but following a takeover, Newcastle United are now THE RICHEST CLUB IN THE WORLD. Although this is currently both novel and amusing as they struggle against relegation whilst they wait for the transfer window to open, it's likely to get boring pretty soon because, as we know, money talks.

They will win stuff sooner rather than later. And they may well win everything. And the first time they do the neutrals might reminisce and even be pleased for those 50,000 odd fans who turned up every week even when they were rubbish. But by FM26 we're going to be sick of them. So let's get in early & stick it to them.

Here's how.

Take over Gateshead. Slog, toil and struggle until the day when you finally have more League Titles than Newcastle United. Now, at this point, they have four. The last one might have been in the 1920's, however even if you manage to get Gateshead promoted to the top division consecutively (unlikely), the chances are they will have spent silly money on French Winger/Striker or Norweigian Android and have won more titles.

However long it takes you, and however many you win, you need win more titles than them. That's all.

Oh, and do it without spending a penny, using only players from your academy, free transfers & loans. That'll learn them.

Good Luck, Legendary, Twisted Llama!

Things to do when you're inevitably sacked: Buy a Newcastle shirt, tell everyone your Grandad was a Geordie and that you've supported them since you were 8.

Everyone else will be doing it soon, stay ahead of the curve.

Old Llama Suggestion:

Club: Chelmsford City

City: Chelmsford

Media Prediction: 9th from 21

Board Expectations: Mid Table

Why Them?: To be honest, most clubs in this division are going to pose their own challenges, however I've gone for Chelmsford for a slightly different reason than usual.

I would usually pick a relegation struggler for this suggestion, and it is quite unlikely that Chelmsford will go down. However, as their history shows, they are also quite unlikely to go up either. They have been playing at this level since the 2008/2009 season which is THIRTEEN YEARS.

In that time - 11 full seasons - they have made the play offs SEVEN times and failed to go up. Every. Single. Time. They have done so in style too. in 18/19 they lost in the semi finals to Welling because of a last minute penalty. In 12/13 they took a 1-0 lead into the second leg against Salisbury and lost 2-0, the winner again being scored in injury time.

Unlikely to win the division and with places 2-7 entering a play off, that is your most likely route to glory. Are you the Llama to end the unluckiest of unlucky runs? Let's hope so, because if you're still reading, you probably haven't got much else going on.

Things to do when you're inevitably sacked: Go and look at some art at Chelmsford Gallery.

Now, this isn't perhaps as interesting as my usual recommendations, however I am putting this forward because it MUST be the worst art gallery in the world.

On Trip Advisor, it ranks 23rd of things to do in Chelmsford. For comparison, a kids BMX track is number 14, a soft play at number 7 and, brilliantly, the place where the park & ride collects you to take you into town is at number 17.

The reviews are even better than the Teapot place, as Rob M awards it 3 stars on the basis that "A surprising lack of culture in this city makes this one of the few places available to view art, the art itself is quite good but the lack of competition makes for an average way to spend your time."

My favourite is Mike F, who recommends a short stay.... "Its worth spending a few minutes seeing what is on offer"

Club: Hemel Hempstead Town

City: Hemel Hempstead

Media Prediction: 11th from 22

Board Expectations: Playoffs

Why Them?: Why them you ask? Have you SEEN their badge? Go on. Go and have a look at it. I'll wait. Yes, that's right. It is literally just Henry VIII staring you dead in the face.

This club, and in fact the whole town, seem to LOVE Henry VIII. This appears to be on the basis that he granted them town status and is rumoured to have stayed here, once, with Anne Boleyn. They really are dining out on this, and the club is nicknamed the Tudors.

They are predicted to come mid table and their history shows that this is the most likely outcome of the first season. The board would like you to play attacking football, and you actually have a reasonable squad to start. You could have a really long & successful career here. Well, a long one. Hopefully.

And now for the a twist of yellow (minds out of the gutter, please).... Imagine, under the watchful and terrifying and constant gaze of Henry VIII, that you were able to do something for him that no woman could ever achieve. That's right. On Football Manager it is possible that a SON can come through your youth accademy.

Now, this is down to random chance, so you probably ask where the challenge is in that? Well, legend has it that this happens in about 1 in 10,000 intakes, but that the better the youth facilities, the more likely it is. Well, your best course of action in providing a Son to Henry VIII is to upgrade the club's "poor youth facilities" & "Basic youth recruitment" and youth level of "0" as soon as possible. And then wait. But obviously you will need to wait successfully, because what you do not want to do is get sacked before you've given Henry VIII a Son. That doesn't end well (see below).

Things to do when you're inevitably sacked: Now, as previously referenced, failure to deliver Henry VIII a Son is generally considered BAD news. When he gets tired of your constant failure & fires you, he may also choose to chop your head off, accuse your entire family of incest and chop their heads off too. He might not, but then he might. So why risk it?

Just give him a Son, it can't be that hard. If you do fail though, one trick I have learnt from the Royal Family themselves whilst I've been in England is to just deny you were ever there.

Now this is dangerous because Llama's DO sweat, as you will know, but I am pleased to report that there is indeed a Pizza Express in Hemel Hempstead. However the downside is that I suspect that Henry VIII cares more about chopping off heads than he does your ridiculous alibi, so your best course of action is to just provide him with a Son.